patience

Patience is a difficult thing for everyone, I think. We all want what the person beside us has and we want it now. We don’t want to wait for our chickfila, we don’t want to sit at a stop light, and we don’t want to wait for many other things (things that are more serious than chicken sandwiches and traffic lights).

I’m struggling with wanting to grow up. This season of my life is very hard and I would love more than anything to fall asleep on my couch and wake up, twenty-three, in a house with a husband and a puppy or a baby or if I’m feeling crazy, both. I want to get to that stage of my life because lately I’m struggling with knowing if it’s all going to work out in the end. I worry that I’m never going to find my person and that I’m going to be in a weird limbo forever. I worry that I will never figure out if a teacher is truly what I’m supposed to be. I worry for my friends, that they will be okay in the end too, and all I want these days is just to know that it’s all going to be okay. 

And that’s so difficult to do. I, we, should be enjoying our days right now. I’m in college and I shouldn’t worry about these things, but I think we go through seasons where we think too much about the future in an effort to not think about the now and then it all goes crazy.

Here’s what’s great, though: putting it in God’s hands. Not even putting it in God’s hands, but reminding yourself, grasping the fact that it’s all going to work out in the end because the Lord made this world and made me and all of the people in my life and he cares for us and he has a beautiful plan written out for us. He knows the end of our stories, just like He knows the middle and the beginning and even this crappy phase I call the third semester of college. It gets better than that because He doesn’t just know, He made it happen and He is in charge of our stories.

So I’m going to stop worrying about who I’m going to marry and where I’m going to go and what I’m going to do and I’m going to stop worrying about who my friends are going to marry and where they’re going to go and what they’re going to do. I’m going to remind myself that it’s going to be okay and the Lord has a plan and it’s much much much more wonderful than what I have in mind, much better than waking up on the couch at twenty-three with a husband and puppy and baby.

The Lord is good, so good. He has it in his hands and it’s going to work out. I’m just going to keep praying and remembering that there’s a reason for everything, a time for everything, and maybe this is the time of struggle.

disclaimer: this post is not going to be well-written or sound very nice, but it’s all of my thoughts and goals right now

you could say I’m in a transition period of sorts. I’ve been having a bit of a hard time lately: I’ve been getting sad for no reason, had a night where everything made me want to cry, and some days I simply want to lie in bed and not think at all. I’m not depressed, no. life is beautiful and I love every day and I am surrounded by people who make me so, so thankful.
however, I’m beginning to think that this semester I’ve begun to lose myself a bit. if you follow me, you’ll notice that my posts have been nonexistent since the beginning of the semester, so no writing or any way of getting out my thoughts. I haven’t read a book for fun since the year started. I don’t take time to myself, sing for fun, run, or do any of the little things that I think make me, ME.

so, two nights in a row of tears and I decided that this needed to end. I am going to stop focusing on things around me: friends changing, relationships changing, grades, roommates, family, boys, any of the noise around me. I am, however, going to do what I love. I went to the library and got a few books, the first one that I am starting tomorrow and will be writing about on here. I am going to write everything I want to on this website and not hold things back because when I do that, the tears flow. I’m going to bring my Bible back out more often, I’m going to sing and dance and I am going to give lots of hugs and watch netflix and spend hours looking at pointless things and stop worrying about what others think!
it’s gonna be great and I hope you would like to follow along.

in closing, I promise to write this week about the book I am reading and a bit more about this transition period i mentioned. it’s pretty interesting and feedback, prayers, or just acknowledgement (so I know I’m not alone in all this crap) would be so appreciated.

I need to sleep now.
thank you for reading my word vomit I promise not all posts will be like this,
alexandria